Breathe Me
by Light My Words
Summary: Arizona's late night confessions to Sofia about the guilt she feels over the accident. Set after season seven. Calzona.  - previously Dancing Phalanges


Title:** Breathe Me.**

Category: TV Shows » Grey's Anatomy  
>Author: Manicured Vultures<br>Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: K  
>Genre: HurtComfort/Romance  
>Published: 11-01-11<br>Chapters: 1, Words: 1,323  
>Disclaimer: None of these character's are mine, this is purely for entertainment purposes.<br>Author's Note: Set just after season seven.

* * *

><p>She couldn't sleep. The nightmares and the hum of the traffic outside and the continuous drip of the tap in the bathroom were driving half insane. She got to the point where she couldn't even keep still. Laying military straight on her side of the bed, sheets damp with sweat and fear, was doing very little to calm her frayed nerves. So she'd gotten up. She'd paced the living room until she was sure she'd worn a hole through the carpet, baked an assortment of happy pink cupcakes and cleaned every inch of the apartment that wasn't near the bedroom. She knew she shouldn't do what she really wanted to do.<p>

It didn't stop her though. Not even her iron strength will power was enough to keep her from tiptoeing into her daughter's nursery. With only the faint pink glow of the night-light, the blonde made her way to the crib with great care and stood there for a moment, admiring the infant that was wide-eyed and alert.

"Hey, sweet pea." She muttered as she slid her hands beneath the little girl and lifted, resting her against her chest. She swayed slowly on the spot for a moment, her bright blue eyes fluttering shut at the delight she took in holding her baby girl. Moving slowly she sat herself down in the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery.

As much as she loved Sofia she couldn't help but feel that she didn't have the right to hold and care for her. She felt like a mother, but the guilt was absolutely killing her. It was straining her and she didn't even remember the last time she had smiled without forcing it. Casting her cerulean eyes down, Arizona struggled to blink away the tears. She began humming, as if to calm the already tranquil baby in her arms. Really, it was more of an attempt to calm herself.

"You're so small." She managed to get out. Her voice was choked with emotion that she normally wouldn't show. But now, in the dark, with only her daughter as company, she let herself fall. Clearing her throat and shaking her head to rid the tears, she ran slender fingers through the light dusting of chocolate hair. "You're so small and it's all my fault."

The guilt was something that until now, she'd not told anyone about. Callie had failed to notice the nightmares, which she was truly thankful for, and everyone attributed her exhaustion to having a newborn at home. Really, it was the perfect situation to hide her feelings in.

A steady stream of tears began down her face as she cradled Sofia to her chest. She bit her lip to keep in a sob, but her chest still vibrated with her despair. "You're not supposed to the hurt people you love, but I almost _killed _you and your Mamá Sofe. I'm the reason you have little baby scars." Her voice was seriously strained as she spoke and every breath she took was shaky and a struggle. Sofia rested in her mother's arms, wide brown eyes staring up in an innocent curiosity. She reached for Arizona's face, little fist opening and closing. This only succeeded in making the blonde cry harder. She leant down, pressing her lips against the palm of Sofia's tiny hand for a long while.

"If I could change it I would," she swore, pretty blue eyes red-rimmed with anguish. "I wish – I wish so _hard _– that I was the one that went flying through that windshield. Because then you wouldn't be so small and you wouldn't have any baby scars, and your Mamá would have held you as soon as you were born, just like it's supposed to be. God, Sofia I _swear_ I'd change it if I could. I'd die for you, baby." The last confession was so quiet that Callie almost didn't catch it through the baby monitor.

Arizona set the rocking chair into motion, a slow motion that did little to calm her. "A-And sometimes I think your Daddy was right." She cried, pursing her lips and taking a breath. "I feel like your Mommy, and I want to be your Mommy more than anything in the world," her voice began to crack again. "But how can I be your Mommy when I hurt you so badly? How can your Mamá even _trust_ me to hold you?" The tears were full on now as she rocked, and it got to the point where she couldn't even hold in the sobs. She cuddled Sofia tighter, resituating her so that she was plastered across the blonde's chest. "She should hate me," she mumbled quietly. "You both should, because baby _I_ hate _me, _so much."

Arizona pressed her lips to Sofia's forehead as she struggled to tame the sobs. Her breathing was shaky and her eyes bore holes into the nursery wall straight ahead. "I hate myself for almost killing the woman I love Sofe," she took a slightly steadier breath. "And I hate myself for almost killing you. I'm scared that's never going to go away."

Glancing down she noticed Sofia had fallen back into a peaceful sleep, completely unbothered by everything that was haunting Arizona. Even though she knew she should, she couldn't bring herself to put the little girl back in her crib. It wasn't until she heard the creak of the door that she stood slowly. In the dark she could only just make out the silhouette of her wife.

"I'm just putting Sofia back down." She whispered to hide the signs of her moments-ago breakdown. She placed Sofia down carefully; taking an extra moment to kiss the baby's forehead before she stood, back still to Callie. Arizona took a deep breath and wiped the tears from under her eyes. When the other woman's arms wrapped around her waist she almost jumped out of her skin.

"I woke up to find your side of the bed empty." Callie whispered, pressing a kiss to the skin beneath the blonde's ear.

"I'm sorry," Arizona replied, hands moving to cover Callie's. "Sofia was crying and I didn't want her to wake you." The lie came from her mouth so smoothly that for a moment it even convinced her. Callie hummed and pulled Arizona from the nursery, leading her back down the hall toward their shared bedroom.

They were silent for a long while, wrapped up in the heavy blankets of their bed, Callie's body enveloping Arizona's small one. The blonde had thought her wife had dozed back off again until she heard her voice, soft and sweet like caramel in her ear.

"It wasn't your fault." She muttered, tightening her grasp on Arizona. The blonde frowned to keep her tears from starting up again.

"What wasn't my fault?" She squeaked, hopeful that Callie had not heard a single part of her confession to Sofia. She'd tried so hard to be the strong one since the accident.

"The accident, the complications with Sofia – all of it." Callie replied, lips brushing over the spot behind Arizona's ear. How she hadn't noticed that guilt was tearing her wife to pieces Callie didn't know, but she felt horrible for it. Arizona shook her head as a fresh waterfall of tears fell, and for the first time in a long time, she let the floodgates open and she cried in the arms of the woman she loved.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>So, the first thing I've written in a long time and subsequently my first ever attempt at a Calzona story.


End file.
